fragile little containers

Hot tears ran down my cheeks and into my beard as I laid on my back staring at the ceiling. All strength had drained from my arms and legs, leaving me with a strange sense of deadness. I certainly hadn't gone numb, because I felt the stinging emotional pain of having lost a baby all throughout my body. My heart hurt, literally, and I still feel as if there is a hole in my chest. I prayed brokenhearted prayers, but to this point I haven't asked God why.

It's not that I don't wonder what the reason is for all this stuff, which to some may seem arbitrary or even cruel. To say the least, the last four weeks of our life has been a bit overwhelming: A surprise pregnancy about which we were very excited, but which also threw our certainty of going to Mada into question. Then the news a little over one week later that we were fully approved to go. Then the news one week later that our situation had been re-evaluated and a non-negotiable decision had been made that we cannot go to Mada. Then the news only one day later that our situation was being "re-re-evaluated" if you will, and the non-negotiable decision of the previous day was being re-negotiated. (It was on this day, a Friday, that we saw our baby's heartbeat for the last time. 137 beats-per-minute. I will never, NEVER, forget this.) Then came Monday and a concerned trip to the doctor. No flutter of a heartbeat on the ultrasound. No movement. A miscarriage, and devastation.

While I haven't asked God why, I do wonder about the purpose of these things, but at the same time I'm very comfortable with my belief that my good Father has His good reasons, and He will let me know all I need to know. No more than that, and no less.

Perhaps as I continue to grieve I will ask more pointed questions concerning God's reasoning. Perhaps not. But what I'm sure of is that now, in this moment of clarity, my prayer is that God would use our story, particularly these struggles, to glorify Himself as they serve as a testimony of His goodness and all-sufficient grace.

I will finish here in agreement with Paul, who tells the Corinthians and us, "But we have this treasure (our Lord Jesus, who is our glorious King) in jars of clay (What weak, fragile little containers of the Almighty we are!), to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not us. We (as weak, fragile little containers) are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed (no doubt), but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken (He promised He would be with us, and He CANNOT lie); struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying around in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies."
1 Corinthians 4:7-10--parenthetical notes mine.

8.16.11 10:40pm

As most of you know, a lot has been going on with us over the past few weeks, which is part of the reason we haven't updated the blog in a while. I did, however, want to share a couple of things I've written in my journal recently. One is a prayer and the other just contains some thoughts.

I can most assuredly say I've never experienced anything like this before. Lord, I'm not quite sure what to think about all this, what has turned out to be the most intense few weeks of my life. I sit here now in the aftermath of a lost child, still in the middle of an emotional roller coaster ride concerning our deployment to Mada, yet I also feel a great sense of peace and comfort. Your words, I can tell, are taking root and providing a firm foundation on which to stand. Jesus, your prayer that the Father would sanctify His children by His word is being perpetually answered (John 17).

What I notice at this moment is Your work of sanctification through pain. And because I know it is accomplishing Your intended ends, I can rejoice in the means (Rom 5, James 1). I can't promise that I'll feel the same way tomorrow, but I know my feelings are a fickle, untrustworthy judge of truth. Your word is truth, meaning it tells me what is true so I can believe what is true. If you gave up your own Son for us, how will You not also, with Him, graciously give us all things (Rom 8:32)? As a good Father, you have graciously given suffering to sanctify us while simultaneously giving strength to sustain us. Your grace is sufficient. Lord, by whatever means You choose, fill up what is lacking in me.